he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I didn't notice because vodka
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
