i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
