I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
