I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
