I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Randomize
