I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
