We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
