Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
