You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
