it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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