All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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