her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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