For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
