just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
