I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
