I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
