I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
