ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I wish i was in the wii world.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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