I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
