MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
