i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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