Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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