What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
