Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize