drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
