I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
either way he was missing a nipple.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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