you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
