You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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