She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize