apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
