You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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