..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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