omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
