Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
