If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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