Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
