I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Dick very happy bro
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
