i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
