1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I smell stomach acid.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
