So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
