my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
