You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
