I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
