My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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