Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
