How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
