Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
