sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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