ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
