WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
