if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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