You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
