hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
