I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
