I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
