hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
