My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
