after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
