I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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