Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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