How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
